Monthly Archives: April 2015

Midnight reflection

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I am supposed to be writing for my other project. But I am feeling a bit introspective nowadays. So here are a few thoughts that I would like to share:

I keep waiting for the time where I felt, ok, maybe I had enough of this whole SAHM/WAHM deal and get myself some ‘proper’ work. And then I looked at my boy, and I felt my heart swell. Literally swell and balloon up it filled my whole chest with love and pride I felt for him. I am so grateful to be able to have the opportunity to be his mother. And to be by his side everyday. To watch him grow from this little soft chubby baby to this talkative active strong toddler. What a privilege!

And yet there are days I felt like such a failure.

I felt like such a failure because despite my education and work experience – I am a ‘only’ a SAHM.
I felt like lesser a person because I don’t earn my own money
I felt ashamed sometimes, frustrated, disappointed (insert all negative emotions)

and I could be feeling like these for a while. Until I saw Zayd said something completely out-of-the-blue and made me wonder ‘when did he learn that?’ – and I am marveled again at the wonder that is Allah’s creation. And my heart would be filled with so much love and pride again it pushed out all those negative emotions. And then, it yo-yoed back and forth for a bit.

Truth is – I am feeling all those negative emotions because I am not grateful enough to Allah. I am not filling my heart and mind enough with remembrance of Allah and all the wonderful things He has blessed me with. Only 3 years ago, I was crying almost everyday, begging and hoping for a baby. And now when Allah grant me one – I am still ungrateful! Astaghfirullah!

Truth is – I let myself be sidetracked by what I thought people want me to do, to be. When I knew exactly what I want to do and to be. I always knew. Ever since I was young. Yet, I let myself get tangled with other people’s expectation of me and I get distracted and dejected.

Truth is – I am happy and content with my life. I no longer feel the need to run around looking for people’s approval. I no longer need to find validation. I no longer feel like I have to stretch myself thin just to feel that I am enough.

I am at the stage in my life where I truly feel, whether I do a lot or a little – I am enough.

Being a mother is enough. Being at home with my child is enough. Being able to pursue my writing is enough.

And if there’s something else that I feel I need more of – it is more gratefulness in my heart.

to be a mother

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to be soft, but steady
to be firm, but flexible
to love wholeheartedly, yet live with detachment
to be always ready at arm’s length –
so you are close enough to be pulled into a hug
and to be pushed for him to breathe and be

to always teeter on the middle thread
to always seek the elusive equilibrium

*****

I wrote this a few months ago and totally forgot to post! That’s mother’s brain for you 😛

22 months

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This is his first selfie ehehe. He said ‘gamba pipi pipi pipi’. That boy cracked me up! 😀

He is growing so much into his own little person now. With his own little person quirks, preferences, pet peeves. It really is remarkable seeing him developing day by day!

He is now basically able to communicate with us verbally. He can tell us if he’s hungry, if he did his poopoo, if he’s in pain. He also started saying ‘nak ikuuut’ whenever his daddy is leaving for work.

He is also really talkative now. He likes to tell stories in which his main characters are car, van, fire engine and all manners of wheelies and all they did was ‘bangun’, ‘shower-shower’, ‘bubble-bubble’ and ‘tido’.

I also realised he is starting to mimic the way I speak to him. So accurately too! He will be like:

‘Nak makan? Hungry? Ade fish, ade peas, ade carrots..sedapp..best!’

And when I scold him:

‘No no. No throwing. No no’ (siap dengan tangan-tangan)

He is really showing an interest in tinkering. He loves building blocks and building things with it. For some reason, he always build a camel and go ‘camel camel camel’ ehehe. And there’s this book that is fast becoming his favourite book – Callum’s construction kits. He would ask me to read it and hen he will go and get his wooden blocks and pretend to build some things with it!

Another thing I notice about him is that he takes a while to warm up to people and new surroundings. He will normally just stand and observe. He doesn’t like it when people that he is not familiar with pick him up or come close to him.

Now that he’s toddlering around, it became quite a challenge for me to go out with just him. When he used to just hold my hand or sit obligingly in my sling, now he wants to run around and explore! He doesn’t like it when I hold his hand and always wants to let go. Not yet 2 and already wants to run away from mummy! *cries

2 more months and you will be 2! Mummy am grateful to Almighty to be able to watch you grow up every day. You are a wonderful boy and it is such a blessing to be your mummy. My dua always that you will be protected from harm – known and unknown, that you will grow up strong and healthy, and blessed with abundance of rizq, that your heart will be filled with love for Allah and the Prophets, that you will be the people of Quran and the Sunnah, that you will be always be guided towards the Straight Path and may we be granted the Highest Jannah ameen.