Midnight reflection

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I am supposed to be writing for my other project. But I am feeling a bit introspective nowadays. So here are a few thoughts that I would like to share:

I keep waiting for the time where I felt, ok, maybe I had enough of this whole SAHM/WAHM deal and get myself some ‘proper’ work. And then I looked at my boy, and I felt my heart swell. Literally swell and balloon up it filled my whole chest with love and pride I felt for him. I am so grateful to be able to have the opportunity to be his mother. And to be by his side everyday. To watch him grow from this little soft chubby baby to this talkative active strong toddler. What a privilege!

And yet there are days I felt like such a failure.

I felt like such a failure because despite my education and work experience – I am a ‘only’ a SAHM.
I felt like lesser a person because I don’t earn my own money
I felt ashamed sometimes, frustrated, disappointed (insert all negative emotions)

and I could be feeling like these for a while. Until I saw Zayd said something completely out-of-the-blue and made me wonder ‘when did he learn that?’ – and I am marveled again at the wonder that is Allah’s creation. And my heart would be filled with so much love and pride again it pushed out all those negative emotions. And then, it yo-yoed back and forth for a bit.

Truth is – I am feeling all those negative emotions because I am not grateful enough to Allah. I am not filling my heart and mind enough with remembrance of Allah and all the wonderful things He has blessed me with. Only 3 years ago, I was crying almost everyday, begging and hoping for a baby. And now when Allah grant me one – I am still ungrateful! Astaghfirullah!

Truth is – I let myself be sidetracked by what I thought people want me to do, to be. When I knew exactly what I want to do and to be. I always knew. Ever since I was young. Yet, I let myself get tangled with other people’s expectation of me and I get distracted and dejected.

Truth is – I am happy and content with my life. I no longer feel the need to run around looking for people’s approval. I no longer need to find validation. I no longer feel like I have to stretch myself thin just to feel that I am enough.

I am at the stage in my life where I truly feel, whether I do a lot or a little – I am enough.

Being a mother is enough. Being at home with my child is enough. Being able to pursue my writing is enough.

And if there’s something else that I feel I need more of – it is more gratefulness in my heart.

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