On 18th Sept, I had an emergency surgery to remove my appendix. I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days and that was the first time I spent my night-time away from Zayd.
These are a few of the lessons and thought that I had from my exprience:
1. I took my health and strength for granted. When Allah took away my physical strength just for a few days I realised how big is the ‘ni’mah’ (blessings) of being able to move your body effortlessly.
After the operation, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t stand, I couldn’t sit. I couldn’t eat or drink. I can’t even pee on my own. My breathing had to be supported with an oxygen tube when I sleep.
This is truly a wake up call for me. I need to be consciously thankful for the physical strength of my body. Without Allah’s permission, I can’t even lift a finger. Every single movement is a blessing. Every single effortless and painless steps. Every single inhale and exhale. Every single bite of food that went into my body and passed out easily. All of these are major blessings and a sign of His love and mercy for me.
2. I have to take better care of myself. I admit after I became a mother, my focus had shifted totally and completely towards my son. While I prepared and fed him healthy food, my own diet was a disaster. I snacked late into the night while writing and editing and fell asleep before my food is properly digested. While doctor said that there is no definite reason for my case to happen, I knew in myself, that my unhealthy lifestyle is one of the contributing factor. After all, we are responsible for our own health.
3. I also have to strenghten my ‘jihad’ (resolve/struggle) to follow the ‘sunnah’ (way) of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) especially in eating and taking care of health. The Prophet (pbuh) specifically ordered us to eat only to fill 1/3 of the tummy and to left the other 1/3 for water and the other 1/3 for air. I have been bery neglectful of this particular sunnah astaghfirullah.
4. Trust in Allah also means trust in other people that Allah sends to help you. One is my strongest issue that I need to keep working on – is my trust and control issue.I find it difficult to put my trust on other people. I also dislike any situations where I feel that I might lose control over my body.
And Allah tested me with exactly that.
When I was wheeled into the operating theatre, completely naked and vulnerable underneath my medical gown, I realised that this is the situation that I have been avoiding my whole life. Only now, I don’t have a choice and I don’t even have the energy and willpower to fight (having been fighting against the pain since last night).
I once again surrendered myself to Allah’s will like how I did during the birth of Zayd. I do not know if the doctor is any good (having met him only once in the afternoon, my operation was a few hours after that), I don’t know whether my operation will be successful, whether or not I will be having adverse reactions to any the drugs, and anasthesia, painkiller and what not. But I must let it all go. I must deeply and firmly believe and trust that Allah will take care of me no matter what. And that’s what I did in the last few moments before I completely lost my consciousness. I uttered to myself ‘hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakeel’ and ‘innalillah hi wa inna ilaihi rajiunn’. Letting go of all my attachment to my physical body and fear. And trusting that Allah will take care of me, as He did all the time, everytime -even when I am unware of it.
Truly ‘inna ma’al usri yusra’ – with every harship, Allah has promised ease. In my hardship having to bear the post-surgery pain, I also felt relief from the burden of fear that has been plaguing my heart and mind. As my body is healing from the physical test, I felt that my heart and soul is also going through its own healing process.
And truly, ‘ala kulli haal – alhamdulillah’. (For every single thing – Praise and Thamkfulness only to Allah).