I have been reading back all my posts and I have to admit that I sound a bit too one dimensional (ie. goody-goody mummy) in writing these posts. Let me explain though. Although I sound one-dimensional, I don’t mean it to be like that. It’s because, when I write, I almost always want to write about what I want to remember when I look back. And of course, we only want to remember the good stuff.
But life is not like that.
And Zayd, when you are all grown up and reading this you will know that I am most definitely NOT a goody-goody mummy. So now, for the sake of record (and to tell your future self that – Zayd, your mummy knew she was not perfect and she had million flaws and she wondered everyday how did you turn up so well despite all her faults – and the answer to that is only by the Love and Mercy and Protection from Allah).
Anyway, let’s start.
I am a very impatient mummy. When you scream, I scream. Yes. That is the truth. And I did it a million times. And then I apologised to you again for it a million times. I wish I am more patient, calm, nurturing etc etc and somedays I am those things. Especially after I came back from a parenting talk or I read some new parenting articles about gentle parenting or something of the sort. But most of the time, I am a ‘momster’. Crazy mummy.
I am not very in-tune with you. Meaning, sometimes I didn’t get you. Sometimes I wonder what exactly do you want. Maybe because you are a ‘boy’ boy, and I am ‘girly’ mummy. Maybe because you are more like your dad. I don’t know. But when I see you with your dad, I knew that he ‘gets’ you. Something that I struggled with.
I am inflexible. Set in my ways. Rigid. You name it. And I knew sometimes it gets to you. And you will throw tantrum when you feel unjustified or pushed or not heard.
I know as you grow up, more and more of my faults will be apparent to you. And sometimes you will hate me for it. Sometimes you will get angry and upset because of it. And sometimes you will feel like I am the meanest mom in the whole world (which I might be at that moment).
Do know that all that – the impatient screaming mummy, the ‘what do you want?’ mummy, the ‘my way of the high way’ mummy – is all part and parcel of your mummy. Your mummy that loves you with all her being, since the moment she knew that you were there in her tummy until the day she moved on to the next world – all for the sake of Allah.
And all my weaknesses and craziness did not take away even an ounce of my love away from you. It just means that it will be a bit harder for you to ‘love’ me sometimes. But it’s ok. Because I love you all the time – and even during the hardest time for you to ‘love’ me – my love is enough for both of us.
And I hope someday when you are all grown up, you will learn in your own way – just how I had to learn it in my own way – that as much as I love you, Allah’s love is much much greater for you.
Allah’s love is the reason that you will keep loving me back again and again – even after my millionth scream. Because Allah, in His Infinite Love and Mercy – has put an unbreakable bond between you and me. And that even in the darkest time, His Love will always show us the way.