Category Archives: Breastfeeding

Weaning woe


Ah, it’s that time. The dreaded capital W. Weaning off time. It was a challenging past 2 weeks with Zayd throwing tantrum and negotiating around the clock wanting his ‘nenen nenen nene’n. It drove me crazy. I thought it was hard – but now that he is starting to accept the reality of the weaning off – it’s my turn to go ‘please nenen nenen nenen back to me” *cries a river

Today I finally get what all the other breastfeeding mothers before me had been saying. How hard it is for them to let go. I thought it was hard because the baby wouldn’t let go, but now I knew it was harder for the mom.

As I whispered “I am so proud of you” again and again in my boy’s ears as he sobbed himself to sleep – I felt tears came streaming down my face like how it once was during the early days of breastfeeding him.

The memory of how I hand-expressed around the clock in the hospital when he was hospitalised for jaundice because I don’t know how to use breastpump (and didn’t even have one).

The memory of how my nipple cracked and bleed and blistered and cracked again for weeks before it managed to toughen itself to accomodate my gregarious little boy.

The memory of going to lactation consultants after lactation consultants to learn proper latching techniques, the countless youtube videos, the endless brestfeeding tips, and constant questionings to other breastfeeding mothers.

And then finally, the feeling of joy and accomplishment when I managed to exclusively breastfeed him when he was 12 weeks.

The feeling of utter bliss watching him asleep at my chest – his tummy full of my milk, his heart full of my love.

The feeling of him relaxing in my arms once his mouth made contact with his precious ‘nenen’ – the magical cure of all tantrums and accidents.

The amazing feeling of breastfeeding in slings and wraps – feeding while snuggling!

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah for granting me the ability to breastfeed him until he is 2. It was one of Your greatest gift for me and I am so so thankful. Please accept my ‘amal’ of breastfeeding him for Your sake and please forgive any of my shortcoming for the past 2 years of breastfeeding him. Ameen.

(wow I felt a deeper sense of letting go after I wrote the dua above, which is unplanned, as most of my writing is. I would recommend it to any mothers struggling with ‘letting-go’ issue of breastfeeding)


One of the last few pics of  our breastfeeding. Breastfeeding him at 23 months during toilet-break on our trip to Cherating (argh feeling nostalgic all over again *cries)


Breastfeeding – my reflection


I had quite a tough time in the beginning stage of my breastfeeding journey. From being forced to give formula milk, to cracked nipples, to low supply, to engorgement, to fever due to engorgement, to nipple blisters, to nipple confusion – I experienced it all :p

I cried, and cried, and cried during these trying times but I never ever want to quit breastfeeding because of one reason – I hated formula milk and the formula milk companies with my whole being. As painful it was to have my nipple bled and cracked open, it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart when I had to feed him formula milk.

I was one of those ‘crunchy, earth-mother type’ mom – if you want to put label me – so it was really hard for me to accept the fact that I had to resort to formula milk to feed my baby. When I was pregnant, not once in my head I thought I would need to learn about types of formula milk or bottle feeding or even pumping as I thought I would just direct-latch my baby! I bought breastfeeding bras, and breastfeeding-friendly clothes, and breast pads only to be disappointed by the fact that I had to mix powdered milk with warm water into sterilised bottle during my baby’s feeding time.

Many times, in between my sobs while bottle-feeding my baby I asked my husband – what do you think is the ‘hikmah’/lessons behind this? Why do I still have to give my baby formula milk when I had tried so hard to breastfeed him?

What went wrong?

He tried his hardest to console me by giving me different views from; at least the baby is fed, and we are being a good responsible parent for we can’t possibly starve our baby!. But nothing really gave me a peace of mind.

At 12 weeks, finally, I am able to fully breastfeed my baby. The formula milk container is now sitting idle at the back of my shelf – as a reminder of how hard I worked and how far I have come to breastfeed my baby.

Looking back, I realised now that perhaps what went wrong was my intention.

Perhaps my initial intention of why I want to breastfeed is because I want people to think I am a good mom. Or perhaps because I want to live up to my own ideals. Or perhaps because I want to show contempt towards the formula milk companies. Or perhaps because I thought that I, me and only me could provide the best food for my baby through my breast milk.

Perhaps my decision to breastfeed was laced with ego, arrogance and hatred. And that is why I struggled so much.

I still have my reserve towards formula milk companies, and now that I have managed to fully-breastfeed my baby, I will not be feeding him formula milk again, but I knew that for some mothers, and some babies – perhaps this is their only solution.

I am also reminded that it’s not me who provide the best food for my baby – it’s Allah who did that – through my breast milk. I am merely a channel through which the milk flows.

I have to re-check and re-state my intention again. Why do I want to breastfeed my baby?

I want to breastfeed my baby to please Allah and to achieve His blessings. As mentioned in the Quran (2:233), I plan to breastfeed until my son is 2 years old. My hope and prayer is that Allah will make it easy on me to continue this journey. May Allah will grant me patience to persevere on present and future challenges, as how He has helped me persevere in the past. And May Allah always guide me towards the right intention and to accept all that I did, as an ‘ibadah’ for Him and only Him, ameen.